Diamondback Online - The University of Maryland's Independent Daily Student Newspaper

Issue date: 4/24/07 Section: News

Media Credit: Pouya Dianat

While the university prides itself on cultural richness and the wide-ranging religious and political beliefs in the university community, an unfortunate minority is finding that certain things justwon't fly.

Chemistry Professor Michael Montague-Smith, who came to the university three years ago after nine years lecturing at Duke, has found himself a target of this university's antagonistic mentality toward the Blue Devils, leaving himsubject to the most shameless of crimes.

On Feb. 11, the same day as the Terrapin-Blue Devils home basketball game, Montague-Smith walked into his office and found a ransom note in place of his beloved Duke nylon lawn chair.

"Down with the Blue Devils. The chair is safe. You will be contacted," Montague-Smith remembers the letter said, spelled out in letters cut out from The Diamondback and magazine articles.

Acknowledging the Duke chair was in his office "mostly for antagonism value," Montague-Smith has not been oblivious to the rivalry, saying "I've gotten certain amount of grief from students and colleagues."

Still, he never expected to be the victim of such a dastardly act. Distraught, he asked his coworkers if they had any leads on possible perpetrators, but no one was talking. His assistant, who usually stands guard outside his office, said she had seen nothing. He had his suspicions, but he lacked proof.

Then came the pictures.

There was one of his chair in a trash can, several of the chair littered with beer cans. It was clear the chair had been abused and, whoever these kidnappers were, they were playing dirty.

At one point, Montague-Smith even caught wind of a rumor that the chair had been seen on the Chesapeake Bay bridge, just as news of the ransom got sent out on an e-mail list, furthering the humiliation.

Once the kidnapping was made public, Montague-Smith said the harassment only got worse. One day a student came to one of his lectures and presented him with the head of a Blue Devil impaled by a red pitchfork.

What did these delinquents want? Who were they? Why Montague-Smith?

The answers came during one of his lectures last week when a group of his colleagues interrupted the class, shouting "Hear ye! Hear ye! The College Kangaroo Court is now in session!"

In what Montague-Smith referred to as a Pagan ritual, the now notorious Duke Chair Three - biology professors Patricia Shields, Bill Higgins and Reid Compton - proclaimed that the chair was found innocent of all charges by reason of insanity because no one in their right mind would choose to support the Blue Devils. They also forgave the chair for the many indiscretions they said it committed during its kidnapping.

It had been a "bad chair," they said, getting "totally inebriated" at the Duke-Terp lacrosse game where it was mocked mercilessly by students, some of whom were brought in by the scheming professors to assist in the ransom plot.

Montague-Smith's relief over the return of his chair did not last long, however, and was he was soon informed by his accusers that he had been found guilty of harboring contraband.

His punishment was a round of beer at the group's next happy hour.

"We're just doing God's work," Higgins said, adding that Montague-Smith had resisted converting from the dark side on many occasions. "I've been here 34 years. I find it a personal affront that someone would have a Duke chair in our office."

The Blue Devil chair now sits alone, folded up in a bag somewhere at Montague-Smith's home. Sitting in its place in his office is now a red chair with a grinning Testudo on it.

"As part of regaining my composure after being spiritually cleansed by Dr.'s Higgins, Compton and Shields, I sat in the chair for a few moments. The oddest thing happened. I no longer felt comfortable in the [Duke] chair's embrace," a converted Montague-Smith wrote to his colleagues in an e-mail titled "Blessed Closure."

"It became obvious that the chair and I have gone in different directions, and that there is a compatibility issue," he said.

With one converted Dukie out of the picture, there may now be reason for others to fear more than just the turtle.

"We encourage anyone out there to report similar offenses to this dynamic trio we'll help them out," Higgins said, laughing.

Contact reporter Owen Praskievicz at
praskieviczdbk@gmail.com.

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