Diamondback Online - The University of Maryland's Independent Daily Student Newspaper

Issue date: 11/27/07 Section: Opinion

Vagina. Vajayjay. Gina. Pussy. Beaver. Bald eagle. Well, now that I've caught your attention, I thought everyone on the campus could probably use some muff-diving education.

So, I commence Cunnilingus 101.

Why does it seem like ever since birth, females have been expected to know how to lick, caress and suck (and maybe bite, if that's their thing) their guy's member? If a female doesn't know how to give a blow job, she's the talk of the town. And if she give a man blue balls, GASP! She'll never hear the end of it.

But if men skip-to-my-lou-my-darling right past the vag, you don't hear us complaining about blue clitorises. Instead of saying, "I haven't gotten off yet, so keep digging in," women sigh and resort to, "It's OK, it still felt good, sweetie. Thanks."

So all of you guys who claim to be king in the bedroom: Do me and the rest of my female counterparts one favor: understand our friggin' vaginas.

Let me give you a few facts about the female anatomy, because men I talked to on the campus could barely say the word "vagina" without bursting into knee-slapping laughter, let alone name any of the other parts down there.

Ah, the clitoris. The clitoral hood protects the clitoral glans, which is the visible, knob-like portion at the top of the vagina. The clit is made up of an estimated 8,000 nerve endings, which is almost double the number found in the penis.

But remember, don't jump the gun and start slobbering all over the place. Take your time. Anticipation is the best way to get a girl off. Some women like it soft and sweet, others hard and rough. Altering the flex of your tongue is a way to change things up a bit, so don't be afraid to ask your partner what makes her quiver.

The G-spot is an area located inside the vaginal wall in the pubic bone. Many women claim to have a deeper orgasm when this area is touched.

But again, remember, some women can't get off simply from tongue actions, so you might have to do a little work on your multitasking skills. It's sort of like playing Guitar Hero while drinking a beer. Same type of thing.

The labia minora are the two folds situated between labia majora (i.e.: a woman's lips). Similar to a penis, lips differ in size and shapes, so learn to appreciate the uniqueness of them.

Of course, if the woman you're about to go down on looks like a foul broad, I'd recommend stopping right there. Just like with any other kinds of sex, STDs can be transferred via cunnilingus. Dental dams, which are rectangular sheets of latex placed over the vagina, are one form of protection against STDs, but really, I can't even say the words "dental dam" without shuddering. Cutting condoms, as well as plastic wrap and placing it over the vagina are other options. Practical? Yes. Sexy? Not so much, but I guess it's better than ending up with repulsive sores all over your mouth.

This brings me to a discussion I had recently with a few friends about carpet-munching. One of my female friends started talking about a hook-up whom she called an "eager beaver," literally. She said he went down on her out of the blue, without discussing it with her first. Said friend is not the biggest fan of head and expressed how uncomfortable and self-conscious she is when a guy's face is in between her legs.

"I would have to feel really attractive to let someone go down on me," she said.

In order to have good oral sex, both you and your partner need to be willing to put in extra effort to make each other sexually happy. What fun is it to lie in bed after sex knowing that one partner is still roaring to go? Because dining down can be considered one of the more intimate forms of sex, both parties need to be comfortable enough with each other and communicate what works and what doesn't. Just remember to start slowly, experiment with different strokes and let her give you a hand. Some women take longer to orgasm than others, so enjoy the delicacy while it lasts.

And girls, if you don't speak up, you know that men are just going to figure everything's fine and dandy.

Let me tell you, you're never going to find the way to a girl's heart unless you find the way to her orgasm. Just like with anything else, practice makes perfect.

Lindsey Warne is a senior journalism major and The Diamondback's sex columnist. She can be reached at lwarne@umd.edu.

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