Smoking: Too cool for school

I don’t care what the Surgeon General says — smoking is cool, especially if you’re in college and have been smoking for 12 years. It’s casual, it’s conversational, and it gives your hands something to do while you shiver next to the nearest brick building.

Now, most people identify smokers as a mass conglomerate of degenerate souls, but they are so much more than that.  For instance, you have Mr. Two-packs-a-day. This guy understands our economic situation, which is why he kicks up $4 a day in  state taxes to support his habit.

Next, you have Ms. Smoke-while-I-drink. As if being drunk and obnoxious wasn’t cool enough for this lady, she has to suck on a cig to let the world know that she’s an independent woman. Finally, you have the “I breathe, therefore I smoke” college intellectual. In an attempt to transcend social conformity, this breed of smoker joined forces with the millions of Americans who started smoking as a rebellious statement and have since been victimized by Mr. Yuck’s best friend, Señor Nicotine.

Spending a day in the life of a smoker is no easy task. Just ask any of them — sustaining an “I’m cooler than you” demeanor can amount to a pretty exhausting day. To complicate things even more, the University Senate is currently discussing a proposed policy that would make our campus entirely smoke-free. Even though this proposal is in its elementary stages, it is still a lofty request to demand of  students.

University Senate, I would like to share a few words with you: What on earth are you thinking? We are a public institution and should be treated as such. If we were a private school, you could get away with this catastrophe. If that were the case, you could even allow public masturbation in the library. But on second thought, I guess we don’t need the senate to regulate that.

Students, like U.S. citizens, have a right to smoke outdoors. Come on — it’s more American than apple pie. Tattoo-clad sailors and rugged cowboys would all agree: The tobacco industry helped shape this country. It would be a powerful sign of disrespect to strip the glorious right to smoke from our students. Jeez, I don’t even smoke, and I find the mere consideration of this proposal to be an embarrassment to our university.

Let’s cut to the chase. The general theme of smoking is that it makes you cool. Why else do you think millions of people are willing to die of smoke related illnesses each year?

Because it makes them infinitely cooler than your average non-smoker. If you filter out the cool student smokers, then the university loses many of its cool points. The fewer cool points a university has, the more public ridicule it receives. It’s simple math. So before we spiral into a smokeless hole of shame, let’s focus our attention on more serious issues.

Has anyone noticed how bad our football team is?

Jason Kramer is a junior American studies major. He can be reached at kramer at umdbk dot com.