Staff editorial: Mailing it in

Ha, yeah right. College students today are sooo rebellious and anti-authoritarian. They just can't stand the government telling them what to do or how to live or what to say. Oh, right, unless it's about health care, or the environment, or illegal immigrants, or affirmative action, or abortion, or "Service," or pretty much any other cause, in which case most college students march hand-in-hand with "the man," regurgitating talking points and idealogy word-for-word from the media and the White House. You college students are such rebels!!!

1. Stop confusing the issue to the press. Be frank with what you really want- more black students and less of everyone else. I admit this is a legitimate opinion (though I don't particularly agree with it)- but you're not going to get anywhere with it if you keep arguing over like empty phrases like "commitment to diversity". We need to get to the "root of the problem" here!

2. Vastly increase affirmative action for incoming black freshmen. It is a statistical fact that black students do significantly worse on average on achievement tests like the SAT than any other racial groups (http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2009-08-25-SAT-scores_N.htm). This is clearly reflected in their ability to get accepted into colleges like UMD. Giving students an automatic 300 point boost on SAT scores simply for showing African/Caribbean-American descent would significantly even the playing field.

3. Give a discounted tuition exclusively for black students. Obviously if an education is cheaper for a certain group of high school graduates, they are more likely to sign up for that college. We could use a measure of color, similar to photographic grayscales- but from light tan to black. For every shade of brown a student is darker than on this scale, they would get $500 off the price of yearly tuition. They already get free handouts simply for being a minority, this would just be icing on the cake. Who wouldn't sign up for that?

4. Create more exclusively black organizations. You already have black churches, classrooms, political groups and support offices. How about black dormitories? Parking lots designated for use solely by black students? Maybe some exclusively black performance groups (oh wait, those already exist here, but you could always use more). Judging by the outrage over the loss of one of this particular organization, adding more would is clearly an important factor in getting potential black freshmen to apply.

5. Lobby the Maryland legislature to pass amendments that would repeal sentences specifically for convicted black felons. According to the New York Times, 1 in 9 black men and women between the ages of 20 and 34 are in jail right now, and the ratio is obviously more pronounced in the Baltimore area. Think about how many potential black college students UMD could get if the Maryland state prison system let out every black murderer, rapist and drug dealer on the streets today. You'd be set for life on that black student quota you've been fighting so hard for, and you'd be encouraging that spirit of diversity that apparently needs to be brought back to UMD! After all, for a school that wants their students to have a variety of cultures and backgrounds, why not throw in a few criminals into the mix? Sure, some people might complain, but they're just racist trailer trash, so we can ignore them. Right, Cynthia?

Now, some of you might think these policies are a bit extreme, but so is marching down to the administration office and threatening to riot if they dared to transfer one of their black employees to another department. If you do take my suggestions seriously, please let me know. Heck, I might even come on out and protest with you. Good luck!